Reflections on lack of control.

They've all gone back to school.Officially. As of today. Full days for everyone. I ate breakfast this morning before noon.

I have seen just in the past few days that there are things I can control and things that I can't, no matter how important it seems to be that I should be able to do so. It has always been important to me that my kids have predictable and prompt routines for the first few days of school. This is clearly of primary importance with E. So for his first day of school, I left as early as I could to get his whole carpool there on time. And it should have worked.

Except for the rain. So much rain. It feels like it's been raining for a very long time. Between Irene and now this "edge of a tropical depression", the ground is full and the floods are here. We have been blessed so far not to bail out feet of water from our basement, but the traffic!

I managed to get the kids to school under five minutes late instead of the ten minutes early I'd planned. The next day, in yet another torrential rainstorm, my fellow driver could only manage forty minutes late.

When I found out he would be so delayed, instead of fretting and worrying over it like I usually do until it eats into everything I do, I davened (prayed). Nothing long- just a couple of perakim (paragraphs) of tehillim (psalms), said with everything I have. "PLEASE let him still have a good day. Please let him not melt down. Let him not ruin his new teacher's impression of him this early, when it can stay set for the year. Please."

He was fine. As was T., when she was given a desk all the way in the back of the room this year even though she can be shy about speaking up for her needs. I wanted to ask the teacher right away to switch her, but the husband said, "Give it time; lets see how she handles it." And not only does she seem to be fine, she also seems to have been asserting herself more and has made a new friend even though the girl sits all the way across the room from her, and in the front row.

I worry. I always have. But sometimes I have to let it go. To have faith in Hashem, and in my kids despite their weaknesses. And it's hard, because my having that faith won't necessarily make it turn out OK, and because there are so many things in my life that I can't just sit back for.

Some people need to learn to assert themselves more, to be more invested in it all. In many ways, I need to learn to do the opposite, to let go. Hard to do, but on the back end, so much easier.